Welll , for the past 3 days i was in Ocean Pines. Ive never stayed there before , But my Grandparents were staying down there & Invited us. The drive was long and annoying but the beach was beautiful<33 i Absolutley love being on the beach ! I Atttempted to tan but noo matter how hard i try i will always be paler than everyone else. Tanning Oil helps though ;D. The house we were staying in was nice, it had a bunk bed for me & my sister, but the buttom bunk had a double bed, not a twin bed. Ive never had bigger than a twin bed, i want a bigger bed but my mom says there wont be enough space in the room i share with my sister ; so i took fulll advantage of it (: That night i played poker with my step grandfather, i dont like him...not at alll ! but we can go into that later, either way i kicked hiss assss ! The next day we went to see my uncle , he has been battleing cancer foor months now & i havent seen him since it started. He used to be fat and he had an almost full head of red hair except for his bald spot. But when i saw him today he was frail & skinnier than ever, he was pale , almost white . but he wore a smile on his face cause we were there to see him& that made me happy(: i know hee is gonna make it, it is just sad to see him like this. That night we went to the board walk and shopping and the next day we went to the beach twice and shopping some more . I got everything i wanted & a souvenier for my Boyfriend(: OhYeah, i got him back<3. But thats something to talk about later . Forr now Im Just Happy To Be Home .
<3 .
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tonight Was .... ?
Welll , i dont reallly know how to possibly explain my night . so illl share my story& you can telll me . It started with dropping off my dog , we are going away tommorow and she is staying at my dads friends house. We alll went to say goodbyee to her but i stuck around to meet his stepdaughter. Turns out shes a priiickandahalf.! Acts like shes the shit cause she failed he driving test 12 times , and might he failing her senior year before it even started. She is taking classes i took as a freshman , and the whole time she tries to act like she has more in common with these 40 some year old men then me ? We barely talked, then her Mother and her agreed i was like some girl ' Anistasia ' , i wonder what shes like, and whether me and her are really like eachother or not. My Dad and his friend think that we can hang alll the time , but thats not gonna work . Ive known that guy for years Waay more than her , and i dont understand what he sees in these people. But i fake a smile while in my head im contemplating running for the hillss.
Finallly we convince my father its time to go , which was hard cause he was drunk and wanted to stay , and i said goodbye to my dog who actuallly, was the lucky one who didnt have to handle what comes next.
The car ride wasnt that bad ; my dad embarissed me at the gas station and my sister ended up falling asleepp , her head was tilted and she looked uncomfortable , i was gonna leave her but then i let her lay on my shoulder . i havent been this close with my sister in a while , it was good ....until my parents started argueing. About how my dad wanted to go out when we got home, you dont know my dad but he is never home when he says he is , an hour turns to 5 , turns to the next morning. And we were supposed to vacation the next day. So my mom is yelling about drugs, and whores. Meanwhile my sister is trying to sleep. Its not like she hasnt heard it before , she knows too much for a 5th grader , but i still want to protect her . So i put my hand over her ear, as if this would keep her from knowing this time, but a most it only fades my mothers yelling. i feell her jaw clench and i know shes listening, i wish she wasnt.
Back at home my dad tried to leave, and i was gonna to EVERYTHING in my power to make sure he didnt. At first i thought i would win easy , i sat on the hood of his car and eventually he got out and went inside , only to try to trick me again so he could slip out. i followed him out each time sitting on the hood of his car until he agreed i could go with him . We walked out to the car and i tried to open the passengers door but it was locked, the window was wide open but i couldnt get the lock and he knew that , he was trying to trick me again but before he could drive away i jumped through the window and took my seat. He sped up to the light only to put his car in reverse and come back , wherever he was going i clearly wasnt invited. So back inside we went, i followed him all the way, everywhere he want i was close by, and he was getting frusterated that he couldnt leave. He would scream for my mother saying ' Maaa ! ' overandover , in the middle of punching holes in walls or slamming tables and desks. He went upstairs and i stayed at the bottom of the steps listening to drywalll cracking every few minutes , and yelling , mostly from my mom to me, telling me that i was a little bitch and just to let him leave. Nooo Way That Was Gonna Happen ! i was trying to cure him of his addicted and letting him leave would be enabling him , something i wasnt planning too do . So i waited at the stairs until my dad came down with a bandaid on his finger, which he had cut likely punching something. He wanted to leave again and said i could come with , this time the door was unlocked so i hopped right in before he even got to the car. He raced up to the light which is 30 seconds Walking Distance from our house, then came to a stop , he whipped around on belair road and was racing again , a car was about to come out and i yelled ' Daddd ! ' Thats alll i could say the whole time , i told him he was out of control and he said ' Wanna see out of control ? ' He cut across the road and into a parking lot, did a U-turn and nearly Knocked His Car Over ! He said i had to go home and raced down the street made two sharp turns and landing home, almost crashing our mailbox. Me screaming all the way , and as we pulled up my mom said she would calll the police. He yelled for me to get out of his car but i wouldnt, i took the key out of the ignition and threw it as far as i could towards the house, i heard it hit the pavement twice. I sat in the drivers seat crying while my mom fought my dad out of the door. I got out and he was going mad, he wanted to leave but i couldnt let him . So i held on to him with all my might, i asked him to have a seat and in return he threw the chair 3,4 times. i was fighting to keep my dad safe at home, h bent my arm backwards and told me he would break my wrist, break my arm, i felt it tooo , but i couldnt let him leave . he went to smoke a ciggerette and meanwhile i tried to find his keys, when my mom came out screaming he threw his ciggerette into the yard and went inside to argue. i saw it still lit in the grasss and i walked over to put it out, but i couldnt help but to take a drag, i didnt want anyone to see me so i took the quickest tiniest drag and walked off . Small but Mighty i could feel it in my lungs long after i found his keys behind the plants. His keys are now in my bra, its obvious because of the akward lump , but either way he would never reach into his daughters shirt for car keys. Although he still has his spare and thats why im sitting downstairs with him asleep on the couch next to me, making sure that he is really sleeping and isnt planning anything .
For Some Reason I Couldnt Let My Dad Leave Today.
Something told me that i needed to keep him here, where he was safe , and i went through hell and back to do so .
i hope my poor puppy is okay so far from home ,
and i hope that my dad makes it through the night ,
that everyone makes it through the night .
So what do you think ?
<3 .
Finallly we convince my father its time to go , which was hard cause he was drunk and wanted to stay , and i said goodbye to my dog who actuallly, was the lucky one who didnt have to handle what comes next.
The car ride wasnt that bad ; my dad embarissed me at the gas station and my sister ended up falling asleepp , her head was tilted and she looked uncomfortable , i was gonna leave her but then i let her lay on my shoulder . i havent been this close with my sister in a while , it was good ....until my parents started argueing. About how my dad wanted to go out when we got home, you dont know my dad but he is never home when he says he is , an hour turns to 5 , turns to the next morning. And we were supposed to vacation the next day. So my mom is yelling about drugs, and whores. Meanwhile my sister is trying to sleep. Its not like she hasnt heard it before , she knows too much for a 5th grader , but i still want to protect her . So i put my hand over her ear, as if this would keep her from knowing this time, but a most it only fades my mothers yelling. i feell her jaw clench and i know shes listening, i wish she wasnt.
Back at home my dad tried to leave, and i was gonna to EVERYTHING in my power to make sure he didnt. At first i thought i would win easy , i sat on the hood of his car and eventually he got out and went inside , only to try to trick me again so he could slip out. i followed him out each time sitting on the hood of his car until he agreed i could go with him . We walked out to the car and i tried to open the passengers door but it was locked, the window was wide open but i couldnt get the lock and he knew that , he was trying to trick me again but before he could drive away i jumped through the window and took my seat. He sped up to the light only to put his car in reverse and come back , wherever he was going i clearly wasnt invited. So back inside we went, i followed him all the way, everywhere he want i was close by, and he was getting frusterated that he couldnt leave. He would scream for my mother saying ' Maaa ! ' overandover , in the middle of punching holes in walls or slamming tables and desks. He went upstairs and i stayed at the bottom of the steps listening to drywalll cracking every few minutes , and yelling , mostly from my mom to me, telling me that i was a little bitch and just to let him leave. Nooo Way That Was Gonna Happen ! i was trying to cure him of his addicted and letting him leave would be enabling him , something i wasnt planning too do . So i waited at the stairs until my dad came down with a bandaid on his finger, which he had cut likely punching something. He wanted to leave again and said i could come with , this time the door was unlocked so i hopped right in before he even got to the car. He raced up to the light which is 30 seconds Walking Distance from our house, then came to a stop , he whipped around on belair road and was racing again , a car was about to come out and i yelled ' Daddd ! ' Thats alll i could say the whole time , i told him he was out of control and he said ' Wanna see out of control ? ' He cut across the road and into a parking lot, did a U-turn and nearly Knocked His Car Over ! He said i had to go home and raced down the street made two sharp turns and landing home, almost crashing our mailbox. Me screaming all the way , and as we pulled up my mom said she would calll the police. He yelled for me to get out of his car but i wouldnt, i took the key out of the ignition and threw it as far as i could towards the house, i heard it hit the pavement twice. I sat in the drivers seat crying while my mom fought my dad out of the door. I got out and he was going mad, he wanted to leave but i couldnt let him . So i held on to him with all my might, i asked him to have a seat and in return he threw the chair 3,4 times. i was fighting to keep my dad safe at home, h bent my arm backwards and told me he would break my wrist, break my arm, i felt it tooo , but i couldnt let him leave . he went to smoke a ciggerette and meanwhile i tried to find his keys, when my mom came out screaming he threw his ciggerette into the yard and went inside to argue. i saw it still lit in the grasss and i walked over to put it out, but i couldnt help but to take a drag, i didnt want anyone to see me so i took the quickest tiniest drag and walked off . Small but Mighty i could feel it in my lungs long after i found his keys behind the plants. His keys are now in my bra, its obvious because of the akward lump , but either way he would never reach into his daughters shirt for car keys. Although he still has his spare and thats why im sitting downstairs with him asleep on the couch next to me, making sure that he is really sleeping and isnt planning anything .
For Some Reason I Couldnt Let My Dad Leave Today.
Something told me that i needed to keep him here, where he was safe , and i went through hell and back to do so .
i hope my poor puppy is okay so far from home ,
and i hope that my dad makes it through the night ,
that everyone makes it through the night .
So what do you think ?
<3 .
This Is The Beggining Of Something New ;
My life is going to change from here, in the past i made alot of careless mistakes. Things i shouldnt have done & i became this person that i didnt wanna be. i was insecure& i didnt feel like i was where i needed to be , i wanted to be this pretty outgoing person , but most of the time i was stuck in the body of someone who just wasnt that. the person i was stuck living as was never free, but she is behind me, cause now i can be the kind and good person i always wanted to be , who was never bitter & ever judged. i dont expect to be perfect but i want to be different from what i was before and live the life i always wanted to have , the one i dreamed about. and i want to be remembered as this better person. ivee had a hard past few years, trying to find myself. but now i have & things willl change from here.
<3 .
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